How do I orgasm with my husband?

Dear Annie, How can I orgasm with my husband? I can orgasm by myself (finally) but have never had one with my husband. How do we overcome this? O-less

Dear O-less,

I'm so glad you asked this question, because SO many of us—including myself—have suffered with this problem. Women don’t have a joystick that's just point and shoot and it IS much harder for us, particularly when we are too shy to have frank discussions with our husbands. Let me tell you what I did.

First, you have to be able to achieve orgasm yourself. Otherwise you can't even tell your husband what you like because you don't even know! I read the Hite Report by Shere Hite to discover the full range of motions that turn women on. I skipped her analysis, because frankly it was a little annoying, but the stories from the women who participated in the Hite survey were very enlightening. I learned that lots of women lie still and quiet during sex, and that made it OK for me to do so too! I also learned that some women like direct stimulation of the clitoris, and others could not tolerate direct stimulation, and had to cover the clitoris and vibrate the entire mons area. This book made EVERYthing OK, because no matter WHAT my preferences, I could see I was NOT the only one. It also will give you a LOT of techniques to try, as you explore your own body.

Second, once you know HOW to have the big-O on your own, you have to be able to communicate with your husband, and without the performance anxiety that we all feel the first time. What I did was just sit still—with a certain amount of wine in my system—and wait for it. It took forever, but I cried when I got there. After you do it once, you won't have nearly the anxiety and it will get easier every time.

Third, I have now learned to recognize when the stimulation is too intense or I’m not into it and its NEVER going to work. If I have allergies or am overly sensitive for some reason, the strokes that normally work, don’t! I believe that you can’t say “I will,” until you can really say “I won’t.” Thus, being able to say “Stop please, I’m not interested tonight,” or “It’s too intense, let's just focus on you tonight,” has really given me a lot of freedom to just be myself and RELAX about sex.

That said, this answer doesn’t do the question justice, and I invite my readers to share their techniques for getting to the big-O the first time.

That’s just my opinion. Annie.